By Claire Tune - Counsellor and Supervisor in Godalming, Surrey

Many of the ways we relate to others in adulthood are shaped long before our first serious relationship. Our early childhood experiences, particularly our relationships with parents or caregivers often influence how we approach trust, emotional closeness and communication later in life.

In my work as a counsellor, I’ve often seen how people arrive in therapy feeling confused about why certain relationship patterns keep repeating. They may deeply want closeness and connection, yet something seems to get in the way. Over time, as we explore their experiences together, it often becomes clear that these patterns have roots in earlier relationships.

Understanding this can be both surprising and reassuring. It helps people see that these difficulties didn’t appear out of nowhere and that change is possible.

How Early Experiences Shape the Way We Relate to Others

As children, we learn about relationships through the people around us. When caregivers respond consistently and supportively, children tend to develop a sense that relationships are safe and that their feelings matter.

However, if childhood involves unpredictability, emotional distance, criticism or feeling unheard, it can influence the way someone approaches relationships in adulthood. Over time, these experiences can shape beliefs about trust, self-worth and emotional safety.

You may be feeling like “I don’t know why I react like this.” 

Often, when we begin to look more closely at earlier experiences, those reactions start to make a lot more sense. The ways we learned to cope as children can stay with us, even when our circumstances have changed and we feel we have moved on.

Common Patterns That Can Develop

Many adults notice repeating themes in their relationships. For some people, it may feel difficult to fully trust others or rely on them emotionally. Others may become anxious when a partner seems distant, worrying about rejection or abandonment.

Some individuals find emotional closeness uncomfortable, especially if feelings were discouraged or dismissed while growing up. Others may develop a strong tendency to prioritise everyone else’s needs while finding it difficult to express their own.

In therapy, I often see how these patterns developed as ways of coping earlier in life. What once helped someone feel safe or accepted can later make adult relationships feel confusing or emotionally draining.

When people begin to recognise these patterns with compassion rather than self-criticism, it can be a powerful turning point.

Why These Patterns Can Be Hard to Change

Relationship habits are often deeply rooted because they developed at a time when our brains were still learning how the world works. The ways we adapted during childhood can become automatic responses in adult relationships.

For example, keeping emotional distance may have been a way of protecting yourself from hurt. Trying to keep others happy might have helped maintain peace in your family environment.

Over the years, I’ve seen how many people carry these strategies into adulthood without realising it. They may blame themselves for reacting in certain ways, when in reality those responses once made a lot of sense.

Approaching these patterns with curiosity and kindness toward yourself can be an important step in beginning to shift them.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy offers a safe and supportive space to explore the connection between past experiences and present relationship patterns. Many people tell me that simply beginning to talk about these experiences out loud helps them see things differently.

In our work together, we might explore emotional triggers, relationship expectations and the ways you learned to cope growing up. With time and understanding, it often becomes easier to respond to situations in new ways rather than repeating old patterns.

One of the things I value most about counselling is the opportunity to offer a consistent, non-judgemental space where people can feel heard and understood. For many clients, this experience itself can be deeply healing and can help rebuild a sense of emotional safety in relationships.

Moving Towards Healthier Relationships

Our early experiences influence us, but they do not define our future relationships. I’ve seen many clients gradually develop greater confidence, clearer boundaries and a deeper understanding of themselves through the therapeutic process. You can read more about setting healthy boundaries in my previous article here.

These changes don’t usually happen overnight, but small shifts in awareness can lead to meaningful changes in how we relate to others. If you find yourself repeating relationship patterns that feel difficult to change, speaking with a therapist may help you explore these experiences in a supportive and confidential environment.

With time, patience and understanding, it is possible to move towards relationships that feel more secure, balanced and fulfilling.