By Claire Tune, Counsellor and Supervisor in Godalming, Surrey

Every January, many people begin the year with genuine hope and good intentions. We tell ourselves that this will be the year we speak up more, set better boundaries, stop accepting poor treatment or finally prioritise our own needs. Often, these intentions are closely linked to our relationships and how we feel within them.

And yet, as the weeks pass, many people find themselves slipping quietly back into the same patterns, the same emotional responses and the same relationship dynamics. This isn’t because they haven’t tried hard enough. It’s because real, lasting change is emotional, not just logical.

In my work as a counsellor, I see time and again that people usually understand what they want to change. What they struggle with is understanding why change feels so difficult to sustain.

Why Relationship Patterns Are So Hard to Shift

Most of our ways of relating to others were shaped long before we were aware of them.

They develop through early experiences, past relationships, attachment styles and the ways we learned to keep ourselves emotionally safe. Over time, these patterns become familiar and automatic.

Even when a relationship dynamic is painful or limiting, part of us may still cling to it simply because it is known. Familiarity can feel safer than change, even when it costs us emotionally.

This is why someone can genuinely want to set boundaries, speak up or make different choices, and yet find themselves freezing, people-pleasing or staying silent in the moment.

When Good Intentions Meet Fear, Guilt and Habit

Common Signs You’re Stuck in a Relationship Pattern

You might recognise yourself in some of the following:
● You keep having the same arguments in different relationships
● You agree to things and later feel resentful or exhausted
● You avoid difficult conversations even when something matters to you
● You worry about upsetting others more than looking after yourself
● You stay in situations that don’t really meet your emotional needs
● You promise yourself “next time I’ll be different” but nothing changes

Change in relationships often stirs up powerful emotions. Fear of conflict, fear of rejection, guilt about disappointing others or anxiety about being alone can all quietly override our best intentions. Old beliefs such as “I must keep the peace” or “my needs don’t matter as much”
can run the show without us realising it.

From the outside, it can look like a lack of willpower. From the inside, it is usually a nervous system and emotional history trying to protect us from perceived threat.

This is why so many New Year’s resolutions don’t last. They are built on pressure and self-criticism, rather than understanding.

Why Willpower Alone Rarely Creates Lasting Change

You cannot sustainably change a pattern that you don’t yet understand. If you keep finding yourself in the same types of relationships, having the same arguments, or feeling the same frustrations year after year, there is almost always a deeper emotional logic beneath it.

Until that logic is explored, even the strongest motivation tends to fade. This is where counselling and relationship support can make a real difference.

How Counselling and Relationship Support Can Help

What People Often Gain From Counselling

Although everyone’s therapy journey is different, many of my clients notice they begin to:

● Understand their emotional triggers and reactions more clearly
● Feel more confident expressing needs and boundaries
● Make decisions with less guilt and self-doubt
● Break long-standing people-pleasing or self-silencing habits
● Feel calmer and more secure in relationships
● Choose healthier relationship dynamics

Therapy does not force you to change. Instead, it offers a space to slow down, reflect and begin to understand yourself more fully. In counselling, we can explore where your relationship patterns come from, what keeps them going, and what feels emotionally risky about doing things differently.

Whether you are struggling in a romantic relationship, within your family, in friendships or at work, counselling can help you develop greater self-awareness, clearer boundaries, and more confidence in expressing your needs.

When change comes from understanding rather than pressure, it becomes far more sustainable.

A Kinder Way to Think About Change in the New Year

Instead of asking yourself, “What should I force myself to change this year?”, a more helpful and compassionate question might be, “What do I need to understand about myself and my relationships?”

That shift alone often opens the door to a very different kind of growth.

Inclusive and Supportive Therapy

I work with adults of all genders and identities including LGBTQ+ clients.

If you are feeling frustrated that your New Year’s resolutions never seem to stick, or discouraged by repeating the same relationship patterns, it does not mean you are failing. It usually means something inside you needs understanding, care and support rather than more pressure.

Counselling can help you make sense of what is holding you back and support you in creating changes that are not just hopeful in January, but lasting throughout the year.

If you’re ready to explore your relationship patterns, set healthier boundaries, or understand why change feels difficult, I’m here to support you. Get in touch today to book a session or find out more about how I can support you.

FAQS

Why do New Year’s resolutions often fail in relationships?

Many resolutions fail not because of a lack of willpower, but because old emotional patterns, fear of conflict, guilt, and habit are deeply ingrained. Relationships are emotionally charged, and changing how we respond or set boundaries takes self-awareness and support.

How can counselling help me stick to my resolutions?

Counselling provides a safe space to explore your emotional triggers, understand your relationship patterns, and build confidence in setting boundaries. Rather than forcing change, therapy helps you make decisions that are sustainable and aligned with your needs,
values, and wellbeing.