By Claire Tune - Counsellor and Supervisor in Godalming, Surrey

People often assume that being selfless strengthens relationships. After all, caring deeply about others, avoiding conflict and trying to keep everyone happy sounds like the foundation of love and harmony.

But in reality, chronic people-pleasing quietly erodes connection not only with others, but with yourself. Many clients I work with struggle with people-pleasing and putting others first. Therapy offers a space to understand these patterns and reconnect with your needs. 

As a topic widely discussed in modern psychology, people-pleasing is increasingly recognised as a learned survival response rather than a personality trait. Understanding how it develops, how it affects relationships and why it leads to resentment and emotional exhaustion is the first step toward healthier, more authentic connections.

What Is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is the persistent habit of prioritising others’ needs, emotions or approval at the expense of your own wellbeing.

It often looks like:

• Saying yes when you want to say no
• Avoiding disagreement or conflict
• Taking responsibility for others’ emotions
• Over-apologising
• Feeling guilty for having needs or boundaries

While kindness and empathy are healthy traits, people-pleasing becomes harmful when approval feels necessary for safety, acceptance or self-worth.

How People-Pleasing Develops

People-pleasing rarely appears without reason. It usually forms early as an adaptive response to environment and relationships.

1. Childhood Emotional Conditioning

Many people-pleasers grew up learning that love or approval depended on behaviour.

Common experiences include:

• Praise for being “easy”, “good” or “helpful”
• Caregivers who were emotionally unpredictable
• Conflict-heavy households where keeping peace felt safer
• Emotional neglect, where needs were minimised or ignored

Children naturally adapt by becoming highly attuned to others’ moods. Pleasing becomes protection.

2. Fear of Rejection or Abandonment

If connection once felt conditional, the nervous system may equate disagreement with loss.

As adults, this creates beliefs such as:

• “If I disappoint someone, they’ll leave”
• “My needs cause problems”
• “Harmony matters more than honesty”

3. Social and Cultural Reinforcement

Many workplaces and social systems reward over-giving behaviour, especially for individuals socialised to be accommodating, agreeable or emotionally responsible for others.

Over time, self-sacrifice can become identity.

Why People-Pleasing Leads to Anxiety and Emotional Exhaustion

People-pleasing keeps the nervous system in a near-constant state of vigilance. You may feel:

• Responsible for everyone’s emotional state
• Anxious before conversations
• Overwhelmed by decision-making
• Drained after social interaction

This happens because your attention is directed outward rather than inward. Personal needs go unmet, creating emotional depletion.

Moving Beyond People-Pleasing

Starting with smaller boundaries can feel easier because they carry less emotional risk. Instead of making major changes straight away, small steps help build confidence in expressing your needs.

This might mean asking for time to think before agreeing to something, rather than automatically saying yes. You can also practise expressing preferences in everyday situations or sharing responsibility by delegating tasks. Over time, these small changes help strengthen self-trust and make larger boundaries feel more natural.

Reconnect With Personal Needs

It can help to check in with yourself regularly. This might involve noticing how you are feeling emotionally and physically, identifying what your current needs are and considering what kind of support or rest would be helpful. 

Developing this habit increases self-awareness and makes it easier to respond to your needs rather than automatically prioritising everyone else’s. If you recognise people-pleasing patterns in yourself, therapy can help you reconnect with your needs and boundaries. If this resonates with you, please feel free to get in touch for support.

If you recognise people-pleasing patterns in your relationships, you’re not alone and these patterns are changeable. With awareness and self-compassion connection can shift from feeling like you are constantly performing to feeling like your authentic self.